


batter my heart

by en passant (corinthian)



Category: Fate/Grand Order
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Gen, hate - love - hate - love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-18
Updated: 2016-01-18
Packaged: 2018-05-14 16:58:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5751013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corinthian/pseuds/en%20passant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being a hero is complicated. Being Arjuna, even moreso.</p>
            </blockquote>





	batter my heart

**Author's Note:**

> Having .025 canon can't stop me from writing tragic brothers, and I apparently can't stop myself from trying to make them less tragic. Sort of.

The first gift Arjuna gave Karna — lifetimes after their first meeting, their first fights, and the first time Arjuna killed Karna — is a pair of shoes. The polished floors of the Chaldea Gate are always cold to the touch, after all. "People will think that our Master doesn't provide for you. It's in your duties to not shame her." It is also the first thing he's said to Karna, since they were both summoned and contracted with her.

(When they were both mortal, a long time ago, Arjuna remembers Karna's feet then too. A charioteer's feet, a simple pair of shoes, the fact that none of that mattered when he stood up to challenge Arjuna.)

This new war stretches on longer than any before. It isn't a Grail War, but rather a battle that spans times, lands, is more important than squabbles of the past. There are many of them, all contracted to a single Master, and with too much time on their hands at that. Their, collective, Master only had so much energy and there were only so many tasks in a day to do.

_You're free to train by yourself, or just... hang out!_ She had said, with a smile and then added, almost conspiratorially, _I hear da Vinci-chan also has some modern day clothes and other things, if you want to try them out!_

Too much down time. Idle hands make mistakes.

Arjuna dislikes it, but there's not much he can do about it either. His Master is still young, still new to this and she's still growing. Their bond is tenuous but he can feel it and in all honesty, it chafes. (There was also the simple request: Try to get along with your brother.)

\--

The modern clothes don't fit quite right. Arjuna doesn't dislike them — the white coat and scarf — but the weight of the fabric is different against his skin. Somehow, it's unexpected every time. Something about the clothes make him feel vulnerable. He looks entirely different in the mirror — the coat makes him look thinner, he thinks. Or maybe it's more squat? He would not say that he is a vain person, or a vain spirit at that, 

(He has, in the past, fussed over his hair — always a little too wavy, a little too thin here and a little too thick there. He thinks it makes him look too young, too childish. He's too broad in some places, but not broad enough, too.)

But then there's Karna. Skinny jeans, red tee, barefoot and looking for all the world, carefree. Arjuna notices all of those things when they pass each other in the hall — Karna's smiling, talking to another of the Servants that Arjuna doesn't know well.

It makes him feel small, to be so petty. So he tries to be benevolent instead.

Karna accepts the shoes, of course he does. He puts them on immediately as well, but comments: "This seems unlike you, are you well?"

To which Arjuna can only reply: "I would be more well, if you were to keep your comments to yourself."

(In the past, Karna would let it be said, say nothing more, but times have changed him as well.)

"A Master of mine, previous, once said that I say too little." He starts, and for once Arjuna can tell the hesitance is unsureness — it's an odd thing to realize. "If there is something you want to say, go ahead. Don't be distracted by small squabbles of the past."

Arjuna wants to laugh. Small squabbles of the past.

"I'll cooperate with you, this time. But even I'm afraid of what might happen if you keep interfering with my business."

"That's the truth, this time." Karna's reply is enigmatic and his expression too solemn and understanding.

"And if you continue like that, you'll surely regret it." Arjuna hisses back, in a rare moment of showing his temper.

That, also, is the truth.

\--

The first gift Karna gives Arjuna — that Arjuna thinks of as something to treasure — isn't even something he could hold in his hand. It's just a single moment, on the slick cobblestone streets of London after a spiral of stairs made of lightning brought down even more enemies.

(The rules of this war were unfair. Archer trumps Saber trumps Lancer trumps Archer.)

He let her get too close; maybe it had been pride or the fact that he wasn't used to having someone — _someones_ , an entire party — at his back. Working in a team had never suited Arjuna. The flat look of arrogant anger seems out of place on her — it's like he knows her, but maybe she just looks similar to one of his Master's Sabers. The spiked lance catches him in the side, easily tearing through his clothes and flesh.

It's only the that he realizes how tall the horse is too, even if he could reach his knife, she would still be out of range. The lancer twists and begins its rotation, gathering light and fire.

So, this is where it ends. He had always imagined that if he didn't kill Karna, then it would be Karna who killed him. (He was the only of his brothers to not be protected from Karna by a vow, not that he ever thought he would need it.) Instead, it's a woman on a horse, in an unfamiliar place, an unfamiliar time. He holds his bow tighter and draws an arrow anyway.

Red. On his hands and staining his clothes, and then also in his vision. Karna — black and gold and trailing red and vibrant pink — how unfair. He stops the lance's rotation, temporarily ends her build up of power and knocks her away with a strike of his own. Arjuna tries to not fold in on himself, and ignores the urgent (worried?): Arjuna. 

"Don't turn your back on an enemy." Arjuna spits out.

Karna meets his eyes and then turns around — back towards their enemy, her horse and her lance. The last time Arjuna saw Karna's back he had killed him.

It's different, he thinks, before his willpower fails him and he tumbles into unconsciousness.

(He'll never forget it.)

\--

Recovery from injuries is easy for a Servant, though recovery of pride, far less so. A hero — a _true_ hero — has a public face. It's something Arjuna knows well. A hero isn't just a figure of lore, or a person who accomplishes great tasks, but a person who is an inspiration, a leader, an example.

It's unsightly for him to have fallen so low. And, to further it, he was relieved when his Master did not call for him for a few days. It's shameful, but to work with that group he would have to be less selfish, more aware, more a perfect hero.

(And there is the most secret part of himself, that relishes in the solitude and embraces the idea of leaving his party to wither and die without him.)

Again, he has to make resolutions.

To be better. To be kinder. To be more heroic. To cast aside his wants, because surely they are corrupt.

(When was it that he decided his love for his brother was the root of it all?)

\--

He finds Karna, because (and he should know this by now) it's not in Karna's nature to go looking for other people. Karna, all too invasive at times, affords others their privacy when not facing them. The injury — already to the stage where it looks ten years past, even if it had only happened a few days ago — itches and Arjuna welcomes the mental distraction from his task at hand.

"Karna." Arjuna greets.

Karna is wearing the shoes Arjuna gave him, the casual modern outfit that suits him — it doesn't remind Arjuna of Indra, of armor, of chariots and death. (Arjuna, however, wears what he did when he was summoning. The familiar clothing makes him stand a little taller, feel more himself.)

"How are you doing?" Karna asks a question Arjuna would rather he not.

"Well enough. I came..." Arjuna falters, then. An old grudge sits in his chest and demands that he not say something so debasing. But he made a promise to himself, again and again. To be better. "... to thank you." His voice, at least, stays even as he's trained it to.

"There's no need —" Karna starts.

"Accept my gratitude." Arjuna cuts him off. Only a small edge has gotten into his voice, but he works to remove it, again. "If you insist on making it meaningless then I will be offended, on both our behalves."

"Have you changed so much to find this offensive?" Karna asks, but there's a hit of something mirthful on his face. Or, welcoming.

"The end result will be the same," Arjuna carries himself like his father's son. "But, since we are allies temporarily, small reparations can be made. Thank you, I owe you my life."

It isn't quite fleeing, when he turns on his heel and walks off.

\--

(His Master tells him, with a laugh, _oh, you're nothing like your brother._ She thinks highly of Karna — but he wears a stoic scary face and is kind. Arjuna doesn't know what that means for him, but he smiles and accepts it like a compliment.)

(She tells him, she doesn't mind that other face of his, because he's still her Servant. They have an unbreakable bond.)

(She also tells him that she's counting on him, as always. Today, here on forward. She believes in him as a Heroic Spirit, as one of her trusted Servants.)

(He's a disgrace.)

\--

The work is easy, but also unending. Battle after battle after battle. Arjuna performs flawlessly, of course, at everything. But it frustrates him. Holding back at every turn to slaughter nameless, faceless, worthless enemies becomes the everyday.

So, the first time (in a long time) they engage in human enemies again, it's refreshing. Arjuna likes to think it's the challenge, that the human element requires more of his ability; the idea that defeating people — humans, Servants, magi — is more worth his time than monsters must be justified.

It's hard to feel in the right, however, when there is one last cavalryman that tries to escape. Arjuna's arrow flies true, as always, and pierces the soft flesh between ribs. But his shot had been off, just by a few millimeters — enough that the arrow scrapes bone and slows. It's the proper thing to finish the cavalryman off, instead of letting him bleed to death, of course.

The cavalryman's words are easy to understand, even if the language he speaks is different. Arjuna approaches and crouches down, grabbing into the arrow shaft with his right hand.

If he pushes it in and angles it up, the arrowhead will tear even further and eventually hit a major blood vessel. A far quicker death.

Instead Arjuna pulls. He twists his wrist and pulls the arrow free. The head is brings a wad of muscle and blood with it, as well as a flowing cascade of red. It's far too easy to imagine it as Karna (again) and to savor the feeling of satisfaction.

"Arjuna, are you ready to go?" His Master calls to him, at her side is Karna and one of the Casters.

He doesn't answer. His Master turns to the Caster — a woman in purple who leans in to whisper to her — and the weight of Karna's gaze settles on Arjuna's shoulders.

Arjuna slowly lets go of the arrow. His hand feels empty when it falls to the ground. The cavalryman begs, but Arjuna turns his back on him and walks back to the others.

"Sorry for the delay," he says, but his face feels stiff, like something is cracking beneath his skin.

"That's fine, that's fine!" His Master beams at him, "It's just always nice to return home together."

"I agree," Karna adds, unnecessarily.

\--

Servants don't need to shower, and they don't need to eat. Their existence is something more like being dead than alive, but there are amenities for them to use regardless. The showers are communal, much like the rest of the facilities (outside of sleeping arrangements).

Arjuna likes the showers, because at night they're empty and the sound of the water is soothing. It also reminds him of being human. The hot water stings, and while the body he has now is constructed of magical energy, when he scrubs himself raw, it still feels like it should.

(Also, Servants also don't need to sleep — and Arjuna has heard that Masters share dreams with their Servants, so he makes sure that he doesn't close his eyes.)

In the shower, he traces down his side where the lance had pierced, some time ago. There's no lasting scar, or wound, or any evidence that it had once been there. No reminder of what he had done as a Servant, just like how the tasks they completed would never be recorded in history.

He had realized, there was no prestige in these battles, no pride to hold onto and nothing to call his own. There is just the idea of a hero, an exhausting burden that felt like he had been carrying it forever. (He also realized, there would be no wish at the end, not when his was so petty and there were so many Servants and his Master and the world to consider.)

"And of course, nothing," Arjuna murmurs to himself, with a small laugh. The sound, he knows, will be swallowed by the water. 

"My apologies —" it's then that he finds he's not alone. A young woman — though he recalls having mistaken her for a courageous man clad in blue on the battlefield — practically bows to him. "Normally, the facilities are unpopulated at this time of night... and... "

"Ah, no, it's fine." Arjuna waves a hand. "I was on my way out, to begin with. Please, have a good night."

"...Please forgive me for prying," she hesitates. Arjuna braces himself, even though he smiles. People are always so tiresome. "My own experience has taught me that action is better than regrets. But I, too, need to clear my head tonight. Thank you again, and good evening."

It surprises him. And he can only nod, bid her good night again and leave.

\--

They go together, because Arjuna requests it and he rarely makes requests of his Master and because Karna is agreeable. It's not a difficult mission, the only thing that meets their weapons are cavalrymen, undead warriors and shadows of creatures that were once powerful.

"You let him die slowly," Karna brings up the cavalryman from before, the one that Arjuna had shamefully tormented.

"I did," there's no reason to lie about it. Arjuna feels the sour warmth gather in his stomach just thinking about it. How he could have done better, he can always do better. It had been a slip of his attention, letting a different side of him be seen (again). "I had been thinking of you."

He tilts his head to the side, a little, and doesn't hold back that dark smile for Karna. He knows that it means more than his words and that Karna can, at the very least, understand that. Animosity towards his brother had always been easy, because Karna had always been in the way. An unusual existence. A person who shouldn't have existed, but if he had to — should have always been Arjuna's ally all along. Instead he had been the enemy, by choice. 

It had been their choices that set them against each other, it would be their choices if they continued it.

"Did it bring you peace?" And, as always, Karna's quiet reply cuts through him.

"Peace? Do you not understand anything, Karna?" He wants to be angrier, but instead he's just exhausted. "This could continue for an eternity."

"That is no wish of mine, or of our mother, or our Master." Karna always sounds so sure of himself. It's a trait of his that Arjuna hates. Arjuna, who is blessed and who is one of the greatest heroes, who has to mind himself and manage his darker urges, envies that. Karna, who shares blood with him but comes from a place of nothing, seems to have everything.

(It is unfair, that Arjuna who worked tirelessly to be seen as heroic, could not hide that side of himself from his Master. He doubts Karna has such a side, or such regrets.)

"And if I wish it to?"

"Do you?" Karna returns the question immediately, but then adds, his eyes shadowed, "Then I would accept that as well."

"Then you may as well lay down for my bow now." Arjuna summons his bow to his side, but doesn't draw an arrow.

"Did you arrange this simply to kill me?" Karna doesn't call up his spear. "Cowardly."

Arjuna's hands shake. Anger. Frustration. An impulse to be cruel for no reason.

"No."

"Then before was an empty threat?"

" _No_."

"Arjuna."

It's bad that Karna questions him, but worse when Karna simply says his name. In response, Arjuna can only desummon his bow and make two fists. He settles his gaze to Karna's left ear, focusing on his earring and not his eyes. Karna's eyes are always too expressive. (He will not, can not, forget the look in Karna's eyes, when he killed him. Betrayal. Acceptance. Regret.)

"I will kill you, if I choose to." He grates out.

"You don't want to." Karna surmises. "But you want to."

Arjuna laughs. It's not a nice sound, because he didn't want to but it came spilling out anyway. He resists the urge to put his hands over his mouth and instead drops his gaze to the ground. Karna's feet — still wearing the shoes that Arjuna gave him, even when he's also dressed in his Servant's attire, how ridiculous — come into view.

"That makes me sound like a confused child."

"You are my little brother." Arjuna flinches, both from Karna's words and the sudden hand on his head. Karna's hand, fingers splayed against his scalp just gently rubbing. Ruffling. Karna is ruffling his hair.

He reacts in the worst way possible. Arjuna's hand moves, too fast and too uncontrollable, to wrap around Karna's throat.

"Servant Archer. Arjuna." He says it, as if to remind himself that he's acting under the orders of his Master, that Karna is his ally and not — his enemy, or his brother. "That is who I am."

"Then, should we meet as Servants, and nothing more?" Karna hasn't tried to untangle Arjuna's hand from his neck. "Are you casting off your previous bonds?" 

"I'm not a coward." 

"Then face me."

Arjuna's fingers twitch. He squeezes, just once, but then forces his hand to relax and lifts his head.

"I choose my own life." Arjuna affirms. It's cryptic, but Karna's expression softens. 

"You are not a coward." Karna says, and catches Arjuna's hand — the one that had been wrapped around his neck — and brings it up to his face. He rests Arjuna's knuckles against his cheek. "You are not a disgrace."

Karna's cheek is warm, even through Arjuna's glove. Arjuna doesn't pull his hand away.

"Do you know me so well, now?" He has to ask.

"I always have." Is Karna's reply.

\--

It happens again, because the war continues and because that other side of Arjuna never abandons him. It comes with him, stands by his side and whispers in his ear. It is too easy to fall one step behind Karna in formation and let his eyes fall on the back of his brother's neck and think — there. A single arrow there.

(He hates it, but it had been more acceptable when they were enemies, more important when Karna stood against him. Easier, when they had barely been acquaintances who knew each other only through feats and battles.)

After another battle, Arjuna finds himself bloodstained. None of it is his, but it gives him pause. His Master flits around to check on her Servants — she is, always, considerate — and he waves her off with a thin smile. He is the supreme archer, after all.

It's when Karna comes to him, blood splattered on his cheek that Arjuna feels brittle. The splatter is across the under side of Karna's jaw, down his neck and across his collarbones and left cheek. Red on white. Arjuna can't tear his eyes away and his bow hand aches.

"Karna, it looks like a near miss." It should have been friendly ribbing, or something. But even to Arjuna's own ears his voice is spiteful and malicious.

Karna's eyes widen slightly, then narrow.

"You let them get close."

"It doesn't matter. They're of no consequence." Arjuna's heart is beating so quickly. Adding another kill to the pile would be easy enough. He could decide to kill his brother again. That thought sours him. "... Karna." It's impossible to calm his racing blood, but he can quiet his thoughts if he tries. Arjuna thinks of his Master, of his new summoning under her care and of Saber — her noble bearing and understanding, words that he's carried with him.

But Karna, in his way as always, sees right through him. For once, he doesn't say anything, doesn't jab at Arjuna's private thoughts. Instead he just reaches out, somehow unlike Arjuna's hands, Karna's are clean, and just gently touches his knuckles to Arjuna's cheek. A caress.

(Karna's hands are always so warm.)

"I trust you." Karna says, simply.

Something inside Arjuna breaks. He can't laugh, but a single sound escapes his mouth like a sob and a snort of derision.

"Let's return." Arjuna says, then.

Together, Karna's expression says without words.

\--

By Karna's request, they are given time alone in their Master's room. Her room is private and she guarantees that they won't be disturbed. Or, so Karna says. Arjuna is surprised when Karna asks him to meet there. Even more surprised when Karna explains — unprompted — how it would be a private space.

"There's no reason for us to meet as Servants, all the time. And no reason to throw away our pasts either. I have always considered you a part of me." Karna recites slowly, when they are alone and the door is closed. "Even at death."

"That's quite a lot, coming from you." Arjuna banters, immediately. To his surprise Karna coughs and looks to the side.

"I had been preparing that." He admits. "To say too little or too much with you... it seems to continue to be a mistake."

"I am not completely blameless in this," Arjuna breaks in, smoothly. "But is that all you had to say?"

"Do you have something you would like to say?" Karna looks at him, expression even but gauging. He knows there's more that Arjuna could say.

"Was this a trap after all?" 

"No, you can leave."

Action trumps regret. Arjuna closes his eyes briefly. He and Saber don't speak often and she carries her burdens close to her heart as he does his, but they have an understanding. Her strength gives him support, and he hopes that his determination affords her some comfort as well. The last time they spoke she simply spoke of a new ally they encountered, another Saber who had been their companion in London — red, silver and furious. But the words Saber had used were regretful, and she had looked to change that entwined future as well.

It would be cowardly to not face this change in his own destiny as well.

"You've seen it," Arjuna murmurs. "My other face."

"Yes, it's unpleasant." Karna doesn't hold back.

Arjuna shakes his head, that laughter sits in his chest, heavy and bitter. "So you noticed."

"It's a part of you, of course I do."

"I would cut off my own head to rid myself of it." Arjuna spits.

Karna steps toward him. Once, twice, soon they're face to face. Arjuna can see the small height difference they have, it's not enough to be noticeable, often. Karna is just a fraction of an inch taller. Karna is always slightly ahead.

"I accept it," Karna says, but his words don't mean anything to Arjuna.

"And if I kill you again? Do you think it would simply be your death that weighs on me? My own cowardice and weakness is my burden to bear." His disgrace.

"Would this be better?"

This time, it's Karna's hands that settle on Arjuna's throat. But he doesn't squeeze, his fingers just rest against the high collar of Arjuna's shirt. The warmth of Karna's hands is strangely calming, even as panic rises in Arjuna's lungs and shorten his breath.

"No — " Arjuna starts, swallows hard, continues, "It's not in your nature, is it."

Karna frowns. That wasn't the reaction he had expected, clearly. He moves to withdraw his hands but Arjuna catches his wrists. Holds him there.

"We're allies, it would be shameful to end each other's lives." Arjuna speaks, but everything in his field of vision looks too sharp. He's too attentive, and Karna's hands around his throat feel almost hot.

"Arjuna —" Arjuna shuts his eyes. He takes a deep, stuttering breath. And he relaxes. "You..."

"My dreadful confession," Arjuna whispers and leans forward a little. The pressure of Karna's fingers around his throat increases, marginally. "Is that this is comfortable."

A secret that Karna will keep to himself, even as he releases Arjuna's throat and pulls him in to hold in a gentle embrace.

\--

The second gift Karna gives Arjuna is a necklace. It is, in fact, the same necklace that Karna wore during his summoning, but the spikes have been hewn off. While it was comfortable around Karna's neck, it is slightly tight around Arjuna's.

He offers it to his brother one night, when they both avoid sleep and discuss what is coming. (Another Grand Battle, another Grand Servant, another fate that needs to be changed.) It's to be a symbol of their new relationship, a changed destiny for them both.

Arjuna doesn't accept it, instead he uncharacteristically kneels. Briefly, Arjuna's hand rests on Karna's hip, before he rolls down the collar of his shirt. Wordlessly, Arjuna tilts his head back, exposing his neck and waits. Karna understands, as he always has, and carefully clasps it around his brother's neck.

It's Karna who speaks, simply says, "Thank you," because it's Arjuna's trust that he's received.

**Author's Note:**

> That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend  
> Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.  
> — _Batter my heart, three-person'd God_ , John Donne


End file.
